Okay, lets try this again. I already went through this post once but somehow it got deleted.
So It has been 10 days since I have been home. Its been hard emotionally. There are a lot of things on my mind that I have been thinking about but I have been dealing with. It's like the night hawk in me is roaming and roaming around the same spot. Just hovering there not sure where to land or rest.
I am a night hawk by nature. I think too much especially at night but I am most productive then as well.
Mom birthday was yesterday, I called her first thing in the morning and wished he a happy birthday but it didnt feel great, didnt feel that she was happy. Maybe I am just reading too much into it. I do miss my mom, I havent seen her in three months or so and that not usual for me at all. I have seen my brothers or their families in a while. On purpose ??? I dont think so !!!.. I mean I am not really able to see mom because of my dad and the issues that we are having. Anger kicks in every time I think of dad. They say anger comes as a result of other emotions hidden deep behind it and I agree. I am angry because I am sad, very sad deep down inside. Dissappointed as well. Do I want to dig deeper in that ?? I am not sure. I have been very emotional and have been crying randomly, in private of course....
I get overwhelmed sometimes by my own thoughts and emotions. I create my own sea that I drown myself in. I have been in the city for about a month now, not a lot of ppl have been making the effort to hang out or to stay connected. Am I shocked by this >? No.....not really, I have a couple friends that do keep in touch and do want to chill and have coffee from time to time which is cool, I enjoy that.
I feel a disconnect from everyone. I have been trying to focus on school, not that it has been a very successful, well i shouldnt say that. I have been productive. I feel like my path has entered a dark tunnel, a change is happening. I have been here before, thats how i feel, feels familiar yet different. Smells like sabotage, I have been here b4 but now i am aware of it. I am trying to get myself out of the mentality. I am so close to finishing school, I am tired of the same thing over and over. I am tired of non-challange classes that i go to. Everyday i think to myself, what did i learn today, and i keep coming up with the word "nothing" more frequent that i would like. I want to get myself out of this funk .. " ALMOST THERE",,, Just getting up day by day and just jump in the damn shower and go ....<<< thats been hard <<<<
I got excited the other day. I felt my spark shine so strong, a strong beat within me. Glimmer of hope.....
I was talking to an architect that works just outside of the city and lives with his man... I didnt know he was an architect at first, but as we were getting to know each other, i did.... he started asking me about my courses and what i am taking and when i am done. he gave some pointers on what i need to work on to find a job, just because he felt like it, he was very nice.. i hope to develop a friendship with him ( oh the cool part is, he is only 34, very close to my age, I was able to relate)...
I want to be there so bad that i cant see what in front of me... i always have to bring myself down a notch...getting too excited gets me overwhelmed and spins out of control....Lots of work ahead of me but the dream is still there and exciting as ever... just need to get out of this damn dark tunnel in the next 3 months and graduate........
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Tornado !!
We've all been there... we've all felt that spining around over and over.... felt like it will never stop. Like a tornado it will spin us and crush us after, OVER and OVER...but life is full of tornados. Somehow we heal, crawl, walk, run, and jump high and fall... Cycle of life....
Life can be cruel but life can be forgiving and loving at times.
One time, I was downtown right in the middle of it all. Yonge and King, the evening rush hour, had my Ipod on. Watching the world go by, watching people rush and go. Shadows passing by, one by one. I felt content. I was able seperate myself from all of that. Step back and observe like I always do. Create a wall and not get sucked in. I felt my aura expand beyond belief, I loved it.
I am home today and I am content. I sit here infront of my laptop listening to my music. I am in a box but not really. I feel connected to the world in many ways that you can't imagine. I wish I can make you feel the feelings I feel sometimes....the highs and the lows.
So many things to do but they all can wait, after all they are just things. I try not to take life seriuos, not too seriuos at least. I laugh whenever I feel it, I will not hold back. I will share my energy whenever I can, even if I have so little of it. I will take a minute everyday to reflect in. Look inside and breath, relax and refocus.
Every once in a while, I update my status on facebook saying that I am sending positive energy. I actually do, I do open myself out and let it be.....feel it go......
I am here and always will be.....
Take a minute everyday and step back, look around. Step out of your own bubble for a second and see everybodys energy around you. Step out of that bubble that you call YOU. The selfishness bubble, its not always about you, the things you do and say do actually affect everyone around you. It doesn't have to be directly, energy does go around. Be nice to someone, just for the hell of it.... Be different, take chances, LIVE LIFE, you will only do it once this time around.......if you love then love with all of your might.....
Did you take that moment today ????
Hugs to all and much love...
Life can be cruel but life can be forgiving and loving at times.
One time, I was downtown right in the middle of it all. Yonge and King, the evening rush hour, had my Ipod on. Watching the world go by, watching people rush and go. Shadows passing by, one by one. I felt content. I was able seperate myself from all of that. Step back and observe like I always do. Create a wall and not get sucked in. I felt my aura expand beyond belief, I loved it.
I am home today and I am content. I sit here infront of my laptop listening to my music. I am in a box but not really. I feel connected to the world in many ways that you can't imagine. I wish I can make you feel the feelings I feel sometimes....the highs and the lows.
So many things to do but they all can wait, after all they are just things. I try not to take life seriuos, not too seriuos at least. I laugh whenever I feel it, I will not hold back. I will share my energy whenever I can, even if I have so little of it. I will take a minute everyday to reflect in. Look inside and breath, relax and refocus.
Every once in a while, I update my status on facebook saying that I am sending positive energy. I actually do, I do open myself out and let it be.....feel it go......
I am here and always will be.....
Take a minute everyday and step back, look around. Step out of your own bubble for a second and see everybodys energy around you. Step out of that bubble that you call YOU. The selfishness bubble, its not always about you, the things you do and say do actually affect everyone around you. It doesn't have to be directly, energy does go around. Be nice to someone, just for the hell of it.... Be different, take chances, LIVE LIFE, you will only do it once this time around.......if you love then love with all of your might.....
Did you take that moment today ????
Hugs to all and much love...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Only you
Keith Urban "Only you can love me this way"
Well, I know there’s a reason
And I know there’s a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That’s why
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it’s forever
You understand
That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way
I could’ve turned a different corner
I could’ve gone another place
But I’d a-never had this feeling
That I feel today
Yeah
And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only can love me this way
And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way
Only you can love me this way
Well, I know there’s a reason
And I know there’s a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That’s why
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it’s forever
You understand
That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way
I could’ve turned a different corner
I could’ve gone another place
But I’d a-never had this feeling
That I feel today
Yeah
And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only can love me this way
And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way
Only you can love me this way
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Lies apply
I have a class in the morning, I wont lie, not looking forward to go to it... but I am... i am still trying with the positive attitude. I just to keep myself in that bubble. I think I am surrounding myself with the right people to keep my energy right. I am not going to change but i am going to grow. There are so many things i need to work on, according to the people i hang out with the most, and i agree. I do or say things without filtering sometimes but thats part of my nature, being honest as much as possible. Even though being diplomatic about it still doesnt work. Oh well, they still hang out with me, so i am doing something right, or not doing horrible. I always try to look on both sides of the coin and try not to judge so fast but not everyone does the same. I dont filter with you, dont filter with me. I dont hurt then dont hurt me.
Yesterday, we had an interesting class. I like !!!!...its funny one line stuck with me especially i have always said that since the begining of school .. " I can always do better"... there is so much more to our minds that what we accomplish..but there is always that one person that doesnt want to step out the box..damn...or maybe they are just lazy, i dont know.
Being alone in the city is definitely a growing experience for sure...gives you that alone time, way too much of it.. and of course always thinking...
that's all i have to say for now.. i guess i am getting tired to think, thats a good thing to go to bed for the damn class.....
Oh one more thing.... the only person/thing that is limiting you is YOU...step out of that damn box and do something different, challange myself.... i have to always be in the frame of mind.. so i am sharing that with you ...
A psychic once told me that I am a very lucky person and always will be a lucky person, just the way the cosmic energy formed... and i agree with that... i have the bad times and the good times like everyone else.. but i have always been lucky .. and I am thankfull for that ... and try to send as much positive energy out back to the cosmos even though when i am down.....
Later...
Yesterday, we had an interesting class. I like !!!!...its funny one line stuck with me especially i have always said that since the begining of school .. " I can always do better"... there is so much more to our minds that what we accomplish..but there is always that one person that doesnt want to step out the box..damn...or maybe they are just lazy, i dont know.
Being alone in the city is definitely a growing experience for sure...gives you that alone time, way too much of it.. and of course always thinking...
that's all i have to say for now.. i guess i am getting tired to think, thats a good thing to go to bed for the damn class.....
Oh one more thing.... the only person/thing that is limiting you is YOU...step out of that damn box and do something different, challange myself.... i have to always be in the frame of mind.. so i am sharing that with you ...
A psychic once told me that I am a very lucky person and always will be a lucky person, just the way the cosmic energy formed... and i agree with that... i have the bad times and the good times like everyone else.. but i have always been lucky .. and I am thankfull for that ... and try to send as much positive energy out back to the cosmos even though when i am down.....
Later...
Monday, January 11, 2010
Emotional rollercoaster
It has been a couple days since I posted even though I had plenty of time to blog over and over again. I chose not blog because I have been dealing with few things within me. I won't lie, I have been struggeling within. I am away from home and whereever Mike is, thats my home. Yeah I am going to sound like a suck (as he would say as he reads this) but I do miss him ALOT, miss Jazz and the house.
I am naturally a home body, believe it or not, but I can stay home for a few days and have no issues with that.
I have been in Toronto since friday, went to friends Bdaythat night and had a great time, nice to connect and be social. Mike left on saturday and thats when things started setteling in and the state of turmoil takes over. People that know me the most and close to me know that I dont open up easily. I dont know if everyone knows that but I am always brewing thoughts and always go through alot of stuff even though i dont share them or show them. Nature of this beast i guess
I was brought up in a culture where you don't share a lot of your feelings or affection as a man and of course again for the ones that know me know that i am a rebel in that aspect. I guess our culture run deep within us regardless of how different we want to be from that. I am not that person anymore, i am long ways from that.
Its funny when you have time and there someone around you don't process things as much as when you are physically alone and have the time. So in other words, everything i have been supressing in the last little while has kinda re-surfaced.
The struggle with my dad continues even though there hasn't been any updates in months; it is still sitting heavy on my heart. Not gonna brew on that as much but i am acknowleding that it is there.
I am excited to start a new but last semseter of school. A friend of mine and I promised each other to try our best to motivate each other and push really hard, more than before. I wonder how strong that promise will hold. I am keeping faith in her as i always have but i hope she will have my back as i do her.
I have been sitting alone for a little bit today and wondered what will be next for me..... i come up with nothing. I worry about that. I have my goals and dreams and i know what i want to achieve but i sit disconnected from them,,,,, scares the hell out of me....
I am lucky to have the man that i call my husband, I love him dearly and with all my heart, sleeping on this bed alone is hard on its own, i get teary as i think about it. Yet, I have to suck it up and struggle just for a little longer to achieve the goal. I am lucky to have the friends that I have.
My ideal idea of a friend since i was a kid, dont know if that is a kid fantasy or how real that would be, is to trust them a lot ( i won't say 100 % even though i would love but thats not real.) and to be able to talk to them whenever (literally), chat with them about anything and everything with no boundaries and finally be able to affectionate with them without the sexual factor, just two friends that care about each other dearly and be able to be physical and hug/cuddle each other. Is that too much to ask in this damn world ?
Anyhow, of course i am up late and i have a class at 8 am tomorrow morning. Alarm set for 6 am. Anxiuos?? hell yes. Why ? NO IDEA....I guess i have to create a better motive to be there..
Random things:
Destiny doesn't control us, we control it. We end up where we end up because of our choice not because of destiny.
Love yourself first and then you can love others.
We are always and forever changing so don't be afraid of change. Acknowledge it.
Stop regreting the past and live the present as the future will be here sooner than you think.
Always take baby steps.
Anyhow, thanks for reading...whoever you are.... if you are reading, become a follower or make a tiny comment so i have an idea who is reading my blog......I am a private person, so it would be nice to know who is reading this blog just so i have an idea...
Cheers and wish me luck this week...
Hugs to all as always.
I am naturally a home body, believe it or not, but I can stay home for a few days and have no issues with that.
I have been in Toronto since friday, went to friends Bdaythat night and had a great time, nice to connect and be social. Mike left on saturday and thats when things started setteling in and the state of turmoil takes over. People that know me the most and close to me know that I dont open up easily. I dont know if everyone knows that but I am always brewing thoughts and always go through alot of stuff even though i dont share them or show them. Nature of this beast i guess
I was brought up in a culture where you don't share a lot of your feelings or affection as a man and of course again for the ones that know me know that i am a rebel in that aspect. I guess our culture run deep within us regardless of how different we want to be from that. I am not that person anymore, i am long ways from that.
Its funny when you have time and there someone around you don't process things as much as when you are physically alone and have the time. So in other words, everything i have been supressing in the last little while has kinda re-surfaced.
The struggle with my dad continues even though there hasn't been any updates in months; it is still sitting heavy on my heart. Not gonna brew on that as much but i am acknowleding that it is there.
I am excited to start a new but last semseter of school. A friend of mine and I promised each other to try our best to motivate each other and push really hard, more than before. I wonder how strong that promise will hold. I am keeping faith in her as i always have but i hope she will have my back as i do her.
I have been sitting alone for a little bit today and wondered what will be next for me..... i come up with nothing. I worry about that. I have my goals and dreams and i know what i want to achieve but i sit disconnected from them,,,,, scares the hell out of me....
I am lucky to have the man that i call my husband, I love him dearly and with all my heart, sleeping on this bed alone is hard on its own, i get teary as i think about it. Yet, I have to suck it up and struggle just for a little longer to achieve the goal. I am lucky to have the friends that I have.
My ideal idea of a friend since i was a kid, dont know if that is a kid fantasy or how real that would be, is to trust them a lot ( i won't say 100 % even though i would love but thats not real.) and to be able to talk to them whenever (literally), chat with them about anything and everything with no boundaries and finally be able to affectionate with them without the sexual factor, just two friends that care about each other dearly and be able to be physical and hug/cuddle each other. Is that too much to ask in this damn world ?
Anyhow, of course i am up late and i have a class at 8 am tomorrow morning. Alarm set for 6 am. Anxiuos?? hell yes. Why ? NO IDEA....I guess i have to create a better motive to be there..
Random things:
Destiny doesn't control us, we control it. We end up where we end up because of our choice not because of destiny.
Love yourself first and then you can love others.
We are always and forever changing so don't be afraid of change. Acknowledge it.
Stop regreting the past and live the present as the future will be here sooner than you think.
Always take baby steps.
Anyhow, thanks for reading...whoever you are.... if you are reading, become a follower or make a tiny comment so i have an idea who is reading my blog......I am a private person, so it would be nice to know who is reading this blog just so i have an idea...
Cheers and wish me luck this week...
Hugs to all as always.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Late night
Well, I realized last night that I will be heading back to Toronto on friday, which made me a little nervous. Nervous for many reasons that I wont get into because i am not in the mood to do so.
I decided to start blogging right before i go to bed, since I am always thinking before I go to bed. I am unable to find that turn off switch anymore, unless I am very tired. Hopefully, I will spill most of the things that I go through the day at the end of the day and that would help me go to sleep a little easier.
So, Friday.... Driving down to toronto since i have to go back to school on Sunday for my last semseter. A couple friends of mine are having there b-day parties together at this Karoke place, which is a fun place to be. I am going to that btw... then kinda settle down at this new place i am staying at for a while till i am done the semester. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I keep trying to be positive, I mean its only 4 months but I keep convincing myself "its another journey of life" ... so it will be that...
Anyhow, till next blog...I am trying to fix the blog page itself to include pix from my database but I havent gotten around to fixing it.. but it will come .. eventually....
Photography <<<>>>> another passion of mine.... among many....
Hugs
I decided to start blogging right before i go to bed, since I am always thinking before I go to bed. I am unable to find that turn off switch anymore, unless I am very tired. Hopefully, I will spill most of the things that I go through the day at the end of the day and that would help me go to sleep a little easier.
So, Friday.... Driving down to toronto since i have to go back to school on Sunday for my last semseter. A couple friends of mine are having there b-day parties together at this Karoke place, which is a fun place to be. I am going to that btw... then kinda settle down at this new place i am staying at for a while till i am done the semester. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I keep trying to be positive, I mean its only 4 months but I keep convincing myself "its another journey of life" ... so it will be that...
Anyhow, till next blog...I am trying to fix the blog page itself to include pix from my database but I havent gotten around to fixing it.. but it will come .. eventually....
Photography <<<>>>> another passion of mine.... among many....
Hugs
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
A real first blog
The things that make my morning so nice....the little things that is....like a warm nice latte first thing in the morning... so warm while its so damn cold out ;-)... best thing ever. how about the dog that comes up to you when he knows that you are up and trys to climb up ur leg to lick ur face to say good morning... silly ? I dont think so...if we dont find the pleasures in the small things then life is a little boring.
One day, I will be opening a little cafe on an old serene street...dont know where or when but its a dream none the less... a small little cafe/diner... kinda frensh/arabic style... come down sit by the window in the winter watch the snow fall or sit outside in the summer listen to the birds. Movie Like ?? i dont care. I still love it...
One thing, i love about mornings.. is the quiteness..I like to be left alone with my own thoughts.. most of the time i am in a happy serene mood unless something happens or someone says something annoying. Subway in the morning.. grrrrrr.... but as long as i am plugged in and have my lovely latte, no one can annoy the hell out of me.... oh and btw when i am in the mode.. i normally sit outside of life and observe in.. does anyone ever do that .. or just me..???
Hugs.....
One day, I will be opening a little cafe on an old serene street...dont know where or when but its a dream none the less... a small little cafe/diner... kinda frensh/arabic style... come down sit by the window in the winter watch the snow fall or sit outside in the summer listen to the birds. Movie Like ?? i dont care. I still love it...
One thing, i love about mornings.. is the quiteness..I like to be left alone with my own thoughts.. most of the time i am in a happy serene mood unless something happens or someone says something annoying. Subway in the morning.. grrrrrr.... but as long as i am plugged in and have my lovely latte, no one can annoy the hell out of me.... oh and btw when i am in the mode.. i normally sit outside of life and observe in.. does anyone ever do that .. or just me..???
Hugs.....
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