Self-sabotage....Maybe

Okay, lets try this again. I already went through this post once but somehow it got deleted.
So It has been 10 days since I have been home. Its been hard emotionally. There are a lot of things on my mind that I have been thinking about but I have been dealing with. It's like the night hawk in me is roaming and roaming around the same spot. Just hovering there not sure where to land or rest.
I am a night hawk by nature. I think too much especially at night but I am most productive then as well.
Mom birthday was yesterday, I called her first thing in the morning and wished he a happy birthday but it didnt feel great, didnt feel that she was happy. Maybe I am just reading too much into it. I do miss my mom, I havent seen her in three months or so and that not usual for me at all. I have seen my brothers or their families in a while. On purpose ??? I dont think so !!!.. I mean I am not really able to see mom because of my dad and the issues that we are having. Anger kicks in every time I think of dad. They say anger comes as a result of other emotions hidden deep behind it and I agree. I am angry because I am sad, very sad deep down inside. Dissappointed as well. Do I want to dig deeper in that ?? I am not sure. I have been very emotional and have been crying randomly, in private of course....
I get overwhelmed sometimes by my own thoughts and emotions. I create my own sea that I drown myself in. I have been in the city for about a month now, not a lot of ppl have been making the effort to hang out or to stay connected. Am I shocked by this >? No.....not really, I have a couple friends that do keep in touch and do want to chill and have coffee from time to time which is cool, I enjoy that.
I feel a disconnect from everyone. I have been trying to focus on school, not that it has been a very successful, well i shouldnt say that. I have been productive. I feel like my path has entered a dark tunnel, a change is happening. I have been here before, thats how i feel, feels familiar yet different. Smells like sabotage, I have been here b4 but now i am aware of it. I am trying to get myself out of the mentality. I am so close to finishing school, I am tired of the same thing over and over. I am tired of non-challange classes that i go to. Everyday i think to myself, what did i learn today, and i keep coming up with the word "nothing" more frequent that i would like. I want to get myself out of this funk .. " ALMOST THERE",,, Just getting up day by day and just jump in the damn shower and go ....<<< thats been hard <<<<
I got excited the other day. I felt my spark shine so strong, a strong beat within me. Glimmer of hope.....
I was talking to an architect that works just outside of the city and lives with his man... I didnt know he was an architect at first, but as we were getting to know each other, i did.... he started asking me about my courses and what i am taking and when i am done. he gave some pointers on what i need to work on to find a job, just because he felt like it, he was very nice.. i hope to develop a friendship with him ( oh the cool part is, he is only 34, very close to my age, I was able to relate)...
I want to be there so bad that i cant see what in front of me... i always have to bring myself down a notch...getting too excited gets me overwhelmed and spins out of control....Lots of work ahead of me but the dream is still there and exciting as ever... just need to get out of this damn dark tunnel in the next 3 months and graduate........