Emotional rollercoaster

It has been a couple days since I posted even though I had plenty of time to blog over and over again. I chose not blog because I have been dealing with few things within me. I won't lie, I have been struggeling within. I am away from home and whereever Mike is, thats my home. Yeah I am going to sound like a suck (as he would say as he reads this) but I do miss him ALOT, miss Jazz and the house.
I am naturally a home body, believe it or not, but I can stay home for a few days and have no issues with that.

I have been in Toronto since friday, went to friends Bdaythat night and had a great time, nice to connect and be social. Mike left on saturday and thats when things started setteling in and the state of turmoil takes over. People that know me the most and close to me know that I dont open up easily. I dont know if everyone knows that but I am always brewing thoughts and always go through alot of stuff even though i dont share them or show them. Nature of this beast i guess

I was brought up in a culture where you don't share a lot of your feelings or affection as a man and of course again for the ones that know me know that i am a rebel in that aspect. I guess our culture run deep within us regardless of how different we want to be from that. I am not that person anymore, i am long ways from that.
Its funny when you have time and there someone around you don't process things as much as when you are physically alone and have the time. So in other words, everything i have been supressing in the last little while has kinda re-surfaced.
The struggle with my dad continues even though there hasn't been any updates in months; it is still sitting heavy on my heart. Not gonna brew on that as much but i am acknowleding that it is there.

I am excited to start a new but last semseter of school. A friend of mine  and I promised each other to try our best to motivate each other and push really hard, more than before. I wonder how strong that promise will hold. I am keeping faith in her as i always have but i hope she will have my back as i do her.

I have been sitting alone for a little bit today and wondered what will be next for me..... i come up with nothing.  I worry about that. I have my goals and dreams and i know what i want to achieve but i sit disconnected from them,,,,, scares the hell out of me....

I am lucky to have the man that i call my husband, I love him dearly and with all my heart, sleeping on this bed alone is hard on its own, i get teary as i think about it. Yet, I have to suck it up and struggle just for a little longer to achieve the goal. I am lucky to have the friends that I have.

My ideal idea of a friend since i was a kid, dont know if that is a kid fantasy or how real that would be, is to trust them a lot ( i won't say 100 % even though i would love but thats not real.) and to be able to talk to them whenever (literally), chat with them about anything and everything with no boundaries and finally be able to affectionate with them without the sexual factor, just two friends that care about each other dearly and be able to be physical and hug/cuddle each other. Is that too much to ask in this damn world ?

Anyhow, of course i am up late and i have a class at 8 am tomorrow morning. Alarm set for 6 am. Anxiuos?? hell yes. Why ? NO IDEA....I guess i have to create a better motive to be there..

Random things:

Destiny doesn't control us, we control it. We end up where we end up because of our choice not because of destiny.
Love yourself first and then you can love others.
We are always and forever changing so don't be afraid of change. Acknowledge it.
Stop regreting the past and live the present as the future will be here sooner than you think.
Always take baby steps.

Anyhow, thanks for reading...whoever you are.... if you are reading, become a follower or make a tiny comment so i have an idea who is reading my blog......I am a private person, so it would be nice to know who is reading this blog just so i have an idea...

Cheers and wish me luck this week...

Hugs to all as always.